Vagina Panic

Lets talk about porn.

Is it a force for good? A normal and healthy outlet for human sexuality? Or a dangerous ubiquitous addictive form of brainwashing that’s ruining men for all of us?

There are no easy answers here, and I don’t know where I stand to be perfectly honest!

But one thing that makes me distinctly uncomfortable is the narrow range of female body types on show in standard pornography. Skinny tanned women with large breasts and oddly blank hairless genitals.

Hmm.

Take a look down there ladies, everyone’s a bit unique in that area!

Either way, lets not allow porn to make us think that women should have standardized vajayjays. They’re all normal and healthy.

VIVA LA GASH!

Delete

 

I got a weird mail on Plenty of Fish (the dating website) the other day. It was really hostile and I immediately deleted my profile, I felt all cyber-vulnerable and weird about it.

Then I had a dream in which everyone was after me because I was on an internet dating site and I was walking home alone at night in a strange city! The dream-anxiety stayed with me for the day, and it really made me think…

Fuck this!

So I’m swearing off the whole idea. I’m not internet dating, I’m not getting dressed up to go out and meet men, I’m not going to focus any more energy on ‘fixing’ my singleness. I’m just going to be alone, celibate and happy about it for the rest of 2012.

It shouldn’t be hard, I’m not exactly beating them off with a stick. Plus I’m very happy as a single person!

What do you think? Will I live to regret this?

VIVA LA SINGLE LIFE!

 

 

So Kristen Stewart is officially busted doing the bold with Robert Sanders, the director of Snow White and the Huntsman. Us Weekly has pictures of them smooching in a car. Kristen has released a statement apologising to Robert Pattison, who I think we can now safely say is her actual boyf, and Sanders has released a statement of apology to his wife Liberty Ross and their children.

Liberty Ross, rather brilliantly, posted the picture above on Instagram.

I take a very dim view of cheating in general. Cheaters suck, at least these two have the balls to admit their mistake. I genuinely don’t think it signifies something wrong with the relationship. I think sometimes its easy to get carried away, and easy to cover it up.

Lets face facts here, its Kristen who’s going to bear the brunt of the fallout. She’s high-profile, she and Pattinson have legions of fans and she’s female and therefore the sexual gatekeeper.

So what do you think, is this a career ender for Kristen?

VIVA LA FIDELITY!

Oh Dude, Seriously?

 

According to Scientific American, dudes you’re friends with think you only want them for their bodies. Seriously man? We can’t just be friends?

When Harry Met Sally tells us that men and women can never really be friends ‘because the sex thing always gets in the way.’ I love that film but I have to disagree. I have male friends and it’s never so much as crossed my mind to get down and dirty with them. (Also I’m convinced that genitally they’re smooth like a car bonnet.)

Now I obviously can’t speak for them, but I THINK my platonic feelings are returned, pure as the boring driven snow. I don’t see any revelations of love coming my way, and I genuinely trust and value these guys as friends.

Which is why the findings of Scientific American have thrown me off.

So they only surveyed 80 pairs of opposite gender buddies and found that men were more likely to be attracted to their lady-brosephs, and to think that the attraction was mutual.

Women were more likely to claim pure platonic feelings for their man-buds.

I really think men can make fantastically loyal friends, plus they bring a different perspective to problems. Ok, they’re useless at noticing when you have a new top/haircut/amputated arm, but they’re generally brilliant and funny.

What do you think, can men and women ever truly be friends?

VIVA LA FRIENDSHIP!

So! The date went well! Really well, in fact it was ten hours long. That seems successful to me!

Date Guy is really funny and attractive and smart and cool. We had great chats, he’s interesting and we’re into the same stuff. He has an English accent, which I like. (Basically ANY accent does it for me. Ladies, is this unusual, do you like an accent? Gentlemen, do you HAVE an accent? Either way get in touch in the comment section for God’s sake!)

Anyway, excellent date CHECK!

HOWEVER its been TWO WHOLE DAYS and I haven’t heard anything!

Not one word.

What I need here is a survey: How satisfied are you, Date Guy? Check the appropriate box please! I WAS very satisfied, but with every hour my satisfaction diminishes and my panic grows.

So tonight, with the help and encouragement of a few (dozen) friends, I sent Date Guy a text. This is unprecedented for me. I’m not old fashioned, I don’t think its his job to text first because he’s the dude, but i DO need the validation that comes with that text.

And it feels great to be in charge at least a tiny bit, I can’t control his response, but at least I’ve put myself out there.

So what do you think, what is the etiquette of the post-first-date-text?

VIVA LA SLUT!

“The Rules”

So we all know that as women we’re expected to act as the sexual gate-keepers. Because all we want is a husband and men don’t respect women who have sex on the first date. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? (Ugh, and I’m the cow I suppose? Christ, fucking patriarchy.)

‘The Rules’ is a book that claims to contain ‘time tested secrets for capturing the heart of mister right’. The secret seems to be that all men want from you is sex, so by delaying business-time we ladies can score ourselves a happy ever after.

Firstly the whole idea revolves around the fact that men only want sex. Sure SOME men only want a quick fumble, just like some women! But some men want to woo you and hold your hand and cuddle with you and just generally have an adult relationship. The book treats male sexuality as entirely focussed on the easy lay and relies on the idea of men who stop respecting you at the exact moment of penetration.

In terms of female sexuality, ‘The Rules’ and it’s ilk would like to completely deny its existence. These rules imply you’re alone because you’re too easy. You are a slut, and men don’t like sluts. This is the exact same patriarchal bullshit that society has been shaming women with since the dawn of time. There is nothing wrong with wanting to have sex, women have sexual urges too, and it’s ok to act on them WHENEVER YOU FEEL LIKE IT! If that means waiting for any given length of time or launching straight into the nasty on the first date that’s TOTALLY cool.

Theres a sexual double standard at play which tells us that women who like sex are sluts, while men are players. There’s absolutely no need to be ashamed of your sexuality ladies! And a book that tells you it’s only use is manipulating men into marriage should probably be burned.

VIVA LA SEXUAL FREEDOM!

“If you’re talking to a woman on that phone, it should be me or your mother” *

“Yeah, I’ll check his email. I’ll check his Twitter. I’ll check his phone. Everything seems fine,” she said. “He says I’m a jealous girl, but I think I’m fairly laidback, considering.”

Oh my, Jools Oliver, wife of Jamie, you are NOT fairly laid-back, you are quite paranoid and neurotic. You are, however, in good company.

Technology and social media make keeping tabs on your significant other easy and quick and the temptation is ever-present. In this weekends Sunday Times Style magazine interview Mrs. Oliver comes off as anxiety ridden, so it’s unsurprising that she needs to keep tabs on Jamie.

We all know it’s easy to become paranoid; he’s always on his damn phone, and he brings it to the bathroom, why does he need his phone in the bathroom? WHAT IS HE HIDING! But it’s a vicious circle Jools, keep checking and eventually you’ll find something to worry about. Also as a general rule of thumb, I think we can agree it’s cool to check his phone and his twitter and his Facebook and secretly follow him while wearing a wig. But don’t TELL him that! And definitely don’t announce it in the Sunday Times, they’ll all find out what we’ve been up to!

Other gems from Mrs. Oliver include her complete lack of ambition for her children:

“I don’t think they’ll go to university, Jamie and I didn’t.”

So you don’t expect Poppy Honey, Daisy Boo, Petal Blossom and Buddy Bear to excel academically? But their names inspire such respect, surely a glittering career in academia awaits!

Nah, seriously, I’m not going to pontificate about how to have a successful marriage or parent your kids (I don’t have a boyfriend and I think my plant is dead.) But PLEASE let the kids get a degree if that’s what they’re into, and for Gods sake, keep snooping but STOP talking about it!

You’re making us look bad in front of the men-folk!

VIVA LA PARANOIA!

*The wisdom of Janelle from Teen Mom 2.

Porn for Women

I juddered to an earth shattering orgasm, falling apart into a million billion shards of pure pleasure as Edward Christian grazes a thumb on my wrist. I’m still fully dressed, im biting my lip, it’s midday and I’m a spilt-personality 20 year old virgin who never masturbates… I swear.

50 Shades of Grey is the fastest selling novel of all time. So what’s it got that Moby Dick doesn’t?

In a word: sex.

S&M has gone mainstream and the ladies are loving it. It doesn’t matter that the kink is tame, or that the main character refers to her gash as down there. It doesn’t even matter that the sadist of the piece contractually prohibits himself from all the really sadistic stuff, and contents himself with a constant stream of conventional boning and the odd slap on the arse. After all sadists just want to be loved… and to buy you a car and a Macbook pro… and clean plates, sadists really like a clean plate… EAT, DAMN IT!

On the plus side 50 shades celebrates kink. It’s great that the mainstream is acknowledging that people are out there, doing the bold in many different and interesting ways. On the minus side we get a heroine who generally just lies there like a sack of spuds having unlikely orgasm after orgasm while her cringe-making ‘inner goddess’ and slut-shaming ‘subconscious’ grapple with the ins and outs of S&M.

It’s not exactly an empowering depiction of female sexuality, in fact it’s closer to How to Marry a Milionaire. 

Whats really great about a book like 50 Shades is the endless discussions it prompts; about men and women and power and money and sex and kink and more sex. Not to mention how brilliantly awful the film version is likely to be!

VIVA LA S&M!

Flicking the Switch

Whats up with that on/off emotional switch that all men seem to be born with. One minute you’re love’s young dream, frolicking through meadows, meant to be, star crossed lovers, the next its all over without so much as a backward glance from him.

I still want to call him, I want to know he’s ok. Also I have a LOT of shit I want to say to him re: breaking up. I want to talk it out! Find out where the hell it went wrong. What did I do? I want to know his feeling on this. But it’s too fucking late, because he’s flicked the switch, so he no longer has any feelings.

I still do… and that makes me feel weak and pathetic and ashamed… I wish I was a fucking robot.

What is the deal here, can anyone shed some light on this? Is it maybe just Irish men that have this innate ability? Or is it that the guys are feeling shitty and missing us too, just really, really subtly?

Thoughts?

I couldn’t help but wonder…

… as I flounced around my New York apartment in full makeup and lingerie, squinting at my computer and usually biting something thoughtfully, what was the deal with men and women!? Oh wait, no, I was in my mothers sitting room wearing PJs, watching TV and eating crisps at midnight.

I’m not getting any younger, I’ve been single for 27 years, and it ain’t getting any easier. Are all men just dicks, out for what they can get? Have I been unlucky in love because of all the assholes I meet or is it… me?

Either way I need some fresh perspective and I aim to achieve that perspective through a points based game of whoring. Summer of sluts is the answer!

SOS is really more than just a game. It’s a way to make meeting guys more fun, more rewarding and ultimately a way to win the respect and admiration of your peers through being a complete and utter slut.

Some people choose to build a lasting, meaningful, monogamous relationship with another human being. For now I’m just aiming to score a Fiver Pointer.*

It’s all about manageable goals!

VIVA LA SLUT

*Please see the rules.