Storm in a B-Cup

 

Here’s a picture of Kate Mountbatten Windsor changing her bikini bottoms on a balcony.

 

…and here are her breasts (are they always pixellated?)

Theres all sorts of moralising going on over these blurry bad boys: The photographer was wrong to take the shots, it’s harassment, its humiliating. Kate shouldn’t have been getting her gash out on a balcony, she’s a royal now, she needs a burkini. William shouldn’t have been so thorough with the factor 50, no one needed to know he was an ass man.

You know what? I don’t think its inappropriate or embarrassing. I think the royals should drop the whole idea of suing. Instead Kate should release a statement along the lines of:

“This is my body, these are my breasts. It’s annoying that I can’t have any privacy but ultimately I’ll be the Queen of Great Britain, so suck it losers.”

What’s interesting is that the royals decided not to sue over Harry’s nude pictures. That incident was considered a lapse in HIS judgement.

What does this tell us about women’s bodies, privacy and privilege?

Next time I’m on a balcony I’m getting my gash out in protest!*

VIVA LA LADYPARTS!

*Gash may or may not be featured in Closer magazine.

Delete

 

I got a weird mail on Plenty of Fish (the dating website) the other day. It was really hostile and I immediately deleted my profile, I felt all cyber-vulnerable and weird about it.

Then I had a dream in which everyone was after me because I was on an internet dating site and I was walking home alone at night in a strange city! The dream-anxiety stayed with me for the day, and it really made me think…

Fuck this!

So I’m swearing off the whole idea. I’m not internet dating, I’m not getting dressed up to go out and meet men, I’m not going to focus any more energy on ‘fixing’ my singleness. I’m just going to be alone, celibate and happy about it for the rest of 2012.

It shouldn’t be hard, I’m not exactly beating them off with a stick. Plus I’m very happy as a single person!

What do you think? Will I live to regret this?

VIVA LA SINGLE LIFE!

 

It Begins!

Savage Love

This is Dan Savage. I’m currently addicted to his sex and love advice podcast. Savage Lovecast. Which you can listen to here.

Look at him up there, looking all kindly, talking complete sense!

He also has an MTV show called Savage U in which he visits American universities and answers students sex and relationship questions. He’s very sex positive and hugely pro slut. Swoon!

VIVA LA SEX POSITIVITY!

 

Vagina Periscope!

Ugh, I have abornormal cervical smear test results. Now I have to have a colposcopy.

Whats this now? I hear you cry. Why, it’s a ten minute test involving dye being painted onto your cervix and a very VERY close look being taken by a doctor using a vagina periscope. (Ok… I made up the vagina periscope.)

DYE, DYE on my cervix!

I must say I felt a million times better after I read this very helpful article on one of my favorite websites: http://vagendamag.blogspot.ie/2012/08/vagina-panic.html

I’m still panicing a bit, but I feel a million times less alone!

VIVA LA VAGENDA!

Right, at the risk of turning vivalaslut into the vagina monologues, lets talk lady parts…again.

A short while ago I allowed a woman I don’t know to insert a clear plastic phallus into my vagina and swab my cervix with what looked to me like a mascara wand. (Too graphic?) Yes friends, I had a cervical smear test, or pap smear, if you are american. Like the ladies in the fantastic 60’s comic I read on the subject. (Read the full comic here.)

I may as well be honest, it was SO uncomfortable, but only for about 30 seconds. A nurse at my GPs office did it, and for some reason I trusted her less than I would have a doctor. Also when I arrived she was taking out the bins, so when she asked if I had any questions I wanted to say “Are you SURE you’re a real nurse?”

I’ve had an abnormal smear test result in the past so I’m slightly apprehensive about the results. But I am pleased that after months of stalling while my mother badgered me about my cervix, I finally booked and underwent my second ever cervical smear.

May it be the second of many!

VIVA LA CERVIX!

Is it ever ok to cry at work?

If you happen to be Oprah then professionally you’re set for life no matter what crazy shit you pull. But can the rest of us get away with crying at work?

I’m not just talking about woman either. Sometimes dudes need a good cry!

The conventional wisdom on this is no. No you may not cry, nor may you well up, nor besmirch your colleagues shoulders with your shameful shameful tears.

However, I think its time for a change! I think its time to accept ‘feminine’ attributes, like vulnerability (and weeping and wailing). I think we should agree to come out about our office waterworks!

Hi, my name is Vivalaslut, and I’m a workplace crier.

In the future, instead of saying “Oh, I just have something in my eye” I’m going to say  “Obviously I feel strongly about this.” I’m going to acknowledge the fact that I’m a human being!

What does everybody think, am I committing professional suicide here?

Don’t be ashamed, my weepy cohorts! Let it out, its healthy!

VIVA LA TEARS!